28: Covid Rules Explained

From what I hear from my human beans, many people are having trouble understanding the new rules that apply from Thursday as part of the new national lockdown.  It seems as though what most people seek is ‘clarity’ so I have tried to be as unambiguous as possible.

(Unfortunately I am unable to enter into any correspondence to give further explanation.  From now, you are on your own - quite apt for a period of forced isolation!)

Work

Anyone who can reasonably pretend to be working from home should do so and should submit progress and achievement reports to their employer on a regular basis even when there has been no progress or achievement.  (This brings working from home in line with office-based working.)

Hygiene

You must wash your hands after any contact with a greengrocer, or a tree, or a bus ticket, or a cuckoo clock, or a blueberry muffin , ...

When you wash your hands, you must set a timer for 4 minutes or boil an egg while you wash.

All cats must sanitise their faces at least 40 times per day, ignoring their owners as they do so.

Mixing

Anyone from a particular household may mix outdoors with one other person from another household as long as they maintain social distance and keep all their clothes on. 

Anyone in a gathering of more than 2 people will be severely chastised and may have their library membership revoked.

Shops

All non-essential shops must close. Supermarkets, food shops and pet shops can remain open during daylight hours on days with a ‘y’ in them.

Hospitality

Takeaway food shops may open as normal.

All pubs, clubs, restaurants and cafes must close, unless they can provide a takeaway service which includes dog treats.

Travel

Members of one household must not travel in the same vehicle, must not travel outside of their local parish and must not travel whilst listening to Little Mix.

You may not leave your house in the evening unless it is burning down or you are nipping to an illicit drinking club.

Enforcement

The police will be given new powers to enforce these regulations and will do so with prejudice and amusement.

... and remember ...

If you cannot maintain a 2 metre distance between yourself and another person, you might as well kiss them.

All dogs should be treated with additional respect, provided with extra food rations, stroked continually and taken for more walks.

Just to make sure all is clear, these regulations  apply to all those to whom they are applicable.  If this is not you, then they do not apply.